The PACE Model: Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, Empathy
A friendly look at the PACE approach developed by Dan Hughes, and how it can gently reshape your relationship with a child who has experienced trauma.
PACE is an approach to communication and relationship-building developed by clinical psychologist Dan Hughes, and it’s used by parents and professionals around the world. It stands for Playfulness, Acceptance, Curiosity, and Empathy — four attitudes that help create safety and connection with children who have experienced developmental trauma. The DDP Network has some of the most helpful guidance we could find on it.
Key takeaways
- PACE is an attitude to embody, not a technique to apply — and nobody embodies it perfectly all the time.
- Playfulness signals that the relationship is a safe place where joy is possible.
- Acceptance means accepting the child’s inner world without judgement — not accepting all behaviour.
- “I wonder if…” is a quietly powerful phrase: it shows you’re trying to understand, not just manage.
- Empathy doesn’t fix the problem, but it makes it more bearable — children feel less alone.
Playfulness
Playfulness brings lightness and joy to interactions. It’s not about cracking jokes or being silly when things are serious, but about communicating that the relationship is a safe place where joy is possible.
Acceptance
Acceptance means accepting the child’s inner world — their feelings, thoughts, and experiences — without judgement. This doesn’t mean accepting all behaviour, but it does mean accepting that the child has reasons for feeling the way they do.
Curiosity
Curiosity involves wondering aloud about what might be going on for the child. “I wonder if…” is a powerful phrase. It shows the child you’re trying to understand them, not just manage them.
Empathy
Empathy is about feeling with the child. When we show genuine empathy, children feel less alone in their struggles. This doesn’t fix the problem, but it does make it more bearable — and sometimes that’s enough.
Using PACE in Practice
PACE is not a technique to be applied, but an attitude to be embodied. It takes practice, and you won’t get it right every time — no parent does, and that’s genuinely okay. What matters is the ongoing commitment to connection and understanding.
Sources